


Ain't youth meant to be beautiful?

by kilala2tail



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-09 00:04:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15255012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kilala2tail/pseuds/kilala2tail
Summary: The first time it happened, he just shrugged it off. The second, he was concerned. Third marked a pattern, and it wasn't a pleasant one.But a pain bond alone didn't leave much in the way of communication between soulmates, leaving him stuck on what to do.Connor just wanted the ache to stop.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because of course his soul bond is pain based.

When Connor first felt the scratches on his thighs the winter of his junior year, his immediate thoughts jumped to sex. What else would his soulmate be doing that would result in marked up legs? The location and pressure would logically add up, even if it was a bit odd how it felt like one light scratch at a time instead of four or five of a hand. He didn't give it much thought beyond that maybe they were just using a single nail or maybe some tool in some form of foreplay.

He frowned, a bit upset at the thought of the person he was bound to getting it on with someone who didn't care enough to ask what sort of soul bond they had, resulting him him having sore spots on his legs. If his partner wanted to do some kinky shit with someone who was he to judge, but they could have at least found someone who didn't have a pain bond and be the one causing the marks instead of having it done. One of the main arguments that lead to him getting therapy the previous year was how it was not only unfair to him also but to his soulmate to have to deal with the injuries that often came from the fights he found himself in. Somehow it worked, his mother unwilling to put two children through that and his father almost desperate to have his son back and finally willing to try.

Connor huffed, rubbing at his legs before changing and climbing into bed to watch Netflix on his laptop. He put it out of his mind as the sensations faded and he pulled up Queer Eye to settle in for the night.

* * *

The next time it happened, Connor couldn't help but find it strange. It didn't hurt any more than the time before, the pressure and sting about the same, but the scratches were longer. It felt like there were about a dozen of them, all on one leg. Either his soulmate was into something very specific in bed, or something else was going on.

He knew where his mind jumped, having considered the pros and cons more than once in his mind, and he couldn't help but hope he was wrong. Connor gave his arm a light pinch, hoping he would get something in return to signal it wasn't something to worry about. The stinging stopped almost instantly, a slight feeling of pressure on the spot he pinched taking its place before the feelings stopped altogether. It wouldn't make sense for things to halt so suddenly if his soulmate was just about to have sex, would it…?

An uneasy feeling settled in his stomach as he prepared to lay down that night.

* * *

The third time it happened, Connor knew his concerns were warranted. It scared him, the slight pricking that he felt form over and over on his left thigh. He knew enough about pattern recognition to realize three times wasn't likely coincidence.

His soulmate was hurting themselves deliberately. It was unlikely it was caused by an outside source, given how quickly it ended last time with his pinch, meaning they had to be the one in control. What was he able to do with this information? While he knew a pain bond could evolve over time to include an emotional connection, he had no way of communicating outside of trying to get their attention until then. Suddenly he was envious of Zoe, who was able to talk to her soulmate by just writing on her skin.

Connor pinched his arm again, near his wrist where he knew it was likely to garner attention. He held the skin tight between his nails for a few seconds, dark gray polish standing out against his winter-pale skin as he waited. Once the pull on his legs stopped, he let go only to feel a gentle press where the red indents sat. A phantom rubbing sensation could be felt for a moment, a faint ache remaining in his legs as a reminder that this was real, before the feelings once again faded away.

Taking solace in the fact that it disappearing so quickly meant it wasn't serious, Connor gently applied pressure where he knew damaged skin lay on his partner, and tried to think of ways he might possibly be able to help them.

* * *

A part of Connor knew it wouldn't stay casual forever, but that didn't stop him from praying to a god he wasn't sure he believed in that it would. The stress of finals and tensions caused by overbearing teachers had been running high recently, and even though he had always kept his grades high Connor could feel it building up. He wasn't surprised it was getting to his soulmate, the scratching becoming more regularly the closer to testing they got. It confirmed at the very least he was bound to a student on a similar school schedule, so while he hated how common the marks were becoming, he couldn't help but feel some relief in knowing there was something they shared.

The pain that bloomed across his palm as he was walking out of the building with his sister was unexpected, but the flash of fear subsided when he realized how it didn't feel deliberate and more like a fall. He rubbed his palm absentmindedly with the thumb of his other hand after climbing into the car for the ride home, eye drifting out the window as he wondered what had happened.

A few hours later as Connor lay in bed reading, a sharp stab drew a gasp from him and he scrambled to sit up. It was quickly followed by another gasp as, slowly, a new laceration was drawn onto his soulmate’s leg. It was deeper than normal, an actual cut instead of the typical scratching. It was followed by another, and another, until there were seven or eight of them. The lines were wobbly, as if the hand that made them bad been shaking, and they hurt worse than Connor could have imagined.

As he sat there biting his lip to keep himself from crying out, tears ran down Connor’s face. Whomever he was bound to had never done worse than light surface marks before, and he had desperately hoped it would stay that way. While they still weren't terribly deep, the cuts were nothing to laugh at. These would scar. Connor wished he could know what pushed them to this, or what he could do to get them to stop. For both their sakes.

That night, Connor didn't sleep well, his leg burning well into the early hours of the morning.

* * *

When summer came, things started to unravel for Connor. Somehow when packing for their trip, there was a miscommunication between him and his parents resulting in arriving at their destination and realizing no one had grabbed his medications. They tried to arrange picking it up at a pharmacy nearby, but policies that made little sense to him put an end to that fast. His father decided he would probably be fine without them.

Only four days in, with the symptoms of withdrawal and without a mood stabilizer, evidence appeared to state otherwise. Connor fell sick fast, trying everything he could to avoid leaving his room in case he took it out on someone else. Everything hurt, sleep evaded him, food wouldn't stay down, and his mood flipped at the drop of a hat. He didn't want to be around anyone, didn't want to risk it. Connor hoped that whoever his bonded was, they felt at least some of his pain and would let that be enough for a while. But when he could feel cuts on his hips joining those on his legs, he lashed out.

It was Zoe who got caught in the crossfire. She had come to check on him after being out most of the morning, insisting on entering the room after he told her to go away, and without thinking he had grabbed a glass that was sitting on the end table and threw it at the wall next to her. The look she gave him was one he was hoping to never see again. Without a sound, she whirled around and slammed the door shut. Connor sat there a moment listening as she ran down the hallway and out the front door. Just like that, it was as if all the progress he had managed to make in the past year was gone. On shaky legs, he stood and locked the door before his mother could try to talk to him and get a similar result, or his father could come in yelling.

A part of him hated his soulmate at that moment, as he turned to lean against the door and slid down to the ground, and that feeling hurt worse than the aching skin from the invisible cuts that littered his lower body.

* * *

The whole trip was a write-off after that. Zoe flinched if he moved too fast, Cynthia hovered in a way that had him snapping more than he ever wanted to, and Larry was treating him as if the whole thing was just a ploy to get out of spending time with the family they traveled to see during the summer months. They stopped trying to include him in activities when they left to go out, Cynthia leaving food for him that often went untouched. Arguments became commonplace when he was in the same space as his family for too long.

Connor spent as much time as he could get away with hiding in the woods by the house they were renting when he didn't lock himself away. Even when he was shaking and nauseous from the withdraw his body was going through, he preferred to spend the time alone in the trees where he knew he couldn't hurt anyone. He didn't mention to his family how the darker voices in his head had started scream at him recently, instead of the whispers they were with his medicine. He didn't talk about how he wasn't the only one struggling, the burn of the quick strikes from his counterpart almost welcome at this point.

Even his own soulmate, the one who was meant to be his partner in life, went out of their way to hurt him. Logically, he knew it didn't make sense. They had been doing this for months now, as some twisted form of stress relief. They even stopped when he pinched, most of the time. But as Connor sat on the ground in a clearing he managed to find, the sensations felt like they were aimed specifically to kick him while he was down. Couldn't they feel any of the agony of his system as his body forced itself to continue without the drugs it had grown so accustomed to? Did he really mean so little to them that they would keep adding to the torment?

If even his own soulmate hated him, what good was he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had [this song](https://youtu.be/YuCux-Dtk-0) stuck in my head for five days at the time writing this. Send help.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of broken arms and broken boys.

Days before the new school year was due to start, the Murphy family was up before the sun to pack up and head home. Cynthia promised they would stop at the pharmacy first thing when they reached town, having spoken to Connor’s doctor on the phone the day before, but he couldn't find it in himself to care much. She hadn't pushed the issue at the beginning of the trip when it was clear he needed his medicine, so why should he act like her pretending it mattered to her now meant anything.

The withdrawal Connor had been experiencing most of the summer had finally calmed, but almost as if in exchange a deep sense of apathy had settled in the place of all other feeling. He felt listless, like he was moving in slow motion. It was almost funny how his parents reacted. Larry thought he was just done throwing his fit since they were heading home and wasn't worried since it made his son more agreeable. He admitted that having Connor’s meds probably could have helped avoid the sulking, but they would be home soon enough so he could start them back up. Cynthia thought it was back to school nerves, seeing as it would be his first day of his last year of high school. She assured him it would be fine, unknowing of what the students said about him there and not quite catching what was actually wrong.

He caught his sister staring at him a few times with an unreadable expression on her face, almost as if she knew about the nasty thoughts he was having and was unsure if she should say anything. When he met her eyes, he would stare back until she would finally look away. Neither of them spoke much, getting in the van and looking out their windows instead of forcing conversation or humoring their parents.

\---

They were nearly home when the pain started.

At first it was faint, a phantom throbbing that wasn't worth much attention. Light brushes all over, feeling more like tickling then scratching. And then, in a sharp burst, his body felt like it had caught fire.

Connor had been almost asleep, but when he felt what was definitely at least one broken bone and whole body bruising he woke up with a shrill scream. The car jerked as his father slammed on the breaks and just avoided smashing a parked car on the street, but Connor couldn't focus on anything but the agony he felt all over. His family was talking, asking was was wrong while he tried to swallow more screams clawing their way up his throat, whimpers escaping as he shook. Tears blurred his eyes as he cradled his arm, whole yet undeniably broken.

A startled yell got past his clamped lips as Connor flinched when a hand entered his line of sight. He glance up to see Zoe had climbed into the back with him. She was pale, blue eyes wide with fear as she pulled her hand back. After she scanned over him a few times he saw on her face the realization that _he_ wasn't the one hurt.

“Your soulmate…?”

Connor nodded, still holding his left arm close to his chest as pulsing pain left him trembling. Something had happened to his soulmate, and it scared him more than he ever could have realized to not know what. They were alive, but what could have caused them to be injured this way? Were they hit by a car? Did they fall out of a tree? Whatever it was, they were hurt and he had no way of helping.

 _I'd rather have the emptiness back_ , he thought as his sister directed their parents that they needed a soul bond doctor. Connor wanted it to stop. The constant physical reminder from someone he didn't even know that something was wrong and the worry that came with that, the voices in his head saying he was the issue, the reactions of his family when things went out of his control, the way people treated him without even getting to know him.

As they changed directions towards the nearest clinic, Connor decided. If he was the problem, he would be the solution. It would be better for his family, to not have to worry about his unstable moods or what would happen the next time he was suddenly off his medicine. There was no one at school who would care, no friends on social media or people from clubs.

It wasn't a new idea, really. Before he had managed to talk his parents into getting him help ( _and oh, wasn't it telling it wasn't even his suffering that was a deciding factor, but the one who shared it_ ), Connor had played with the concept in his head quite a bit. The various methods, timing, location. He had it all planned out already. He had just never had the courage to act.

His parents’ blase reactions to forgetting his medicine, his sister's clear nerves around him, the pain that was both his own and not… After this trip, Connor knew it would be better to just get it over with and save everyone the trouble.

He only hoped his soulmate didn't feel the pain for long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ["Pray for the Wicked"](https://youtu.be/jVXauWq9Hwg) seems pretty spot on rn; going to a [concert](https://youtu.be/0xDf-_8KvGM) and apparently there are plans involving [tequila](https://youtu.be/H5NqIsnyTG8) before [we](https://youtu.be/7HeNBigzJlM) leave for it. So, like. [High hopes](https://youtu.be/CFDi-x5e3OI) we all come back in one piece and [I](https://youtu.be/nLPTNumhyAY) can work on [writing](https://youtu.be/vc6vs-l5dkc) on this some more.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To be, or not to be.

As he stared at the ceiling, Connor let his mind wander.

His bonded had went radio silent after whatever event had caused Connor to freak out a few days ago. They were alive and mostly okay if the occasional twinge of pain shooting through his arm and the full body ache that came and went was any indication, and that was more relieving than it had any right to be in Connor's opinion. No new cuts joined the still fresh ones on their legs, though he supposed that would make some sense considering the levels of soreness they had to be experiencing otherwise. Connor found it mildly unfair that his summer illness seemingly meant nothing to his soulmate, but he got to experience this right alongside them.

Not that it would matter soon.

After going to an emergency clinic that kept a registered soul bond doctor on site and getting a couple shots that numbed the connection enough for them to get care instructions for if the pain continued to be severe, they got Connor home and settled before Cynthia ran out to the pharmacy and to pick up something easy to cook.

The medication refill sat in his backpack by his door. The brown bottle was wrapped up tightly in a hoodie, hidden from the world in the bottom of the bag. It would easily be enough to do what he needed, the brand new bottle unopened after having been set in his room while he rested without his parents even making sure he took the first dose from it. Zoe asked if he had at dinner, her bright eyes lingering on him for a moment when he only shrugged, but even she didn't push the issue. Remembering how long he was told it could take to readjust, he figured it was safe enough to hide in his room and use that as an excuse as to why he was so tired and out of it.

Connor sighed. The first day of his senior year started in a few hours. His last first day of high school. He dreaded the thought of getting up and forcing himself to go, wanted nothing more than to stay in bed where he would at least be comfortable, but he had promised himself one last chance. Nothing would be any different, but at least he could say he tried.

From there, the plan was simple. There was a state park not far from town that tended to be empty on weekdays during the school year. If he went deep enough in, it would limit the chance of a standard park goer finding him. Connor had the perfect tree in mind, some sort of maple that stood taller than the surrounding forest and made him feel secure. There was a bottle of Gatorade to help the pills go down stashed in his car, along with a craft knife he swiped from his mother’s hobby space in case he wanted to be extra thorough.

It wasn't going to be pretty or poetic, but Connor could pray it would be fast. While he might deserve the suffering, he didn't wish it on his soulmate even then.

* * *

Evan Hansen didn't deserve to be put on the spot like that. Connor knew the kid hadn't been laughing at him personally, and he hadn't meant to lash out. But it had been a rough morning, lack of sleep and unwanted nerves setting him on edge before ever leaving his room. A snide remark from his father hit harder than it should have, especially when Zoe chimed in with a tone that sounded joking but words that cut deep; it left his mood sour as he walked out the door. Traffic was worse than normal, thanks to it being the end of the summer break for students, leading to two near accidents that shook Connor as he navigated towards senior parking. He just wanted to get through the day in one piece as he walked into the building, milling with students old and new.

So of course Jared  _fucking_ Kleinmen had to open his mouth, and when Even had let out that nervous tick of a laugh Connor saw red for a moment. Before he had a chance to think, he was shouting and shoving the nervous boy over in the middle of the hallway.

“You think I'm a freak? I'm not a freak. You're the fucking freak!”

The look that crossed Evan’s face felt like a punch in the gut. It was the same look that Zoe would get; slightly fearful but strangely resigned.

Connor was so tired of people looking at him like that. Like he was a monster, something frightening, while they were caught in his path with nothing to be done about it. Like he didn’t know that was exactly how it worked, no matter how much he wished it wasn’t. He was done with hurting people who didn't deserve his wrath, getting the brunt of his anger because they happened to be there when it boiled over. He didn’t want to be like this anymore.

Connor turned around and took off before he could find a way to make things worse, leaving the nervous teen he had shoved on the dirty floor behind him. He refused to register his arm throbbing mildly as if it had just smacked an object. He moved through the corridor without allowing anyone else the chance to say anything to him, rushing to class and hiding in the back where he knew he wouldn’t be bothered. Connor didn’t think as a hand moved to absently rest on his left elbow as he stared out the window and ignored the world around him. He didn't know he left Evan sitting on the ground in front of his locker rubbing at a spot above his cast, arm sore from where it had been jostled by hitting the cold metal he had been standing by on the way down.

* * *

_“Would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?”_

Connor's hands shook as he looked over the note he had swiped by mistake.

He had just wanted to apologize for shoving Evan earlier, wanted at least one last good deed before he was gone. The boy had just happened to be there when he went off and deserved to know the ire hadn’t been meant for him. He hadn't meant to read the paper in his grasp, having only reached for it to give to Evan since he was closer to the printer. Connor didn't mean to freak out, to scream at the kid that everyone knew had severe anxiety for something as stupid as seeing his sister's name on some weird letter. He knew it wasn’t fair to not let the other boy explain before flying off the handle.

It was paranoia, his own twisted form of anxiety, that resulted in the words flying from his mouth before he fled. He screamed at someone who had never gone out of their way to hurt him, proving his own words right as he went off and proved just how much of a freak he was. It was illogical thoughts on how cruel it was to have one of the quietest people at school seemingly pull a stunt to try for a reaction that lead to him leaving the building without looking back. Why else would someone like Evan Hansen be writing about Zoe? As far as he knew, they had never spoken before, so what would possess the other to mention her if not to get to him? It was the dark thoughts screaming “ _I_ _told you so!!_ ” that took him to the park, grabbing the drink and knife and shoving them in his bag before finally taking a deep breath and taking his time walking towards the tree.

It was the thought of his soulmate, the possibility of them being in class still, that kept Connor from taking the pills immediately. He couldn’t risk waiting too long; he didn’t know what time his sister was due home, or if anyone would arrive at the park after schools started letting out. But Connor wasn’t about to put his bonded through what was not likely going to be a pleasant experience in the middle of the academic day.

Which lead to him reading the letter as he waited until the end of his school hours, for the space between extracurriculars and dinner. As he did, the empathic part of him that hadn’t gone dormant cried out for the author of the message. A worry normally reserved for his soulmate wormed its way to the forefront of his mind, questions filling his head as he read over it again. The biggest one, he was scared to even ask himself, as simple as it was.

Evan had a broken left arm, didn’t he…?

His phone alarm went off, signaling the time. With trembling hands, Connor slowly folded the letter up. He waited a few extra minutes, hoping beyond hope that he was wrong and wasn’t about to do what he was getting ready to do to the very last person at the hell hole of a school to deserve it. Biting his lip, he pulled out a pen and wrote on the front of the note “I’m sorry.” Then he shoved it in his pocket and closed his eyes.

Connor hoped his soulmate would forgive him one day. He hoped Evan would be alright.

He pulled out the bottle, opened his drink, and hoped the pain would fade fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friday the thirteenth I saw [Pray For The Wicked](https://youtu.be/BRFizWvInWc). This coming Saturday I'm seeing [Interactive Introverts](https://youtu.be/ZxAJWyEpKy4). My [second biological niece](https://ig.me/bx8UfMDUa52TPF) has been dubbed Willow Alana Silvia. [MatPat](https://ig.me/25RRa53lHGygmHr) and [Steph](https://ig.me/bx6E0lRXgdIaWj) had a beautiful baby boy. An [author](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skimmingthesurface/pseuds/skimmingthesurface) that stopped writing fanfiction a few years ago posted a new work. Like. It's these things that keep me going.
> 
> That said. Not 100% on this chapter but I promised timely updates and worked while watching my typical [ beta reader](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lightning515/pseuds/Lightning515) struggle through [Kingdom Hearts](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyY37dt2xvxjUeB8K4Fw49Wcqj6lo_VSw) (with a running [death count](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HMibMLW7UcvaSslr_MzJaykiYuYABQjsdyoHejHOB4I/edit?usp=drivesdk)). So... Here we are. I wanted to get something up. In any case, this is turning out longer than expected and I can't wait to see what happens next. Thanks for coming along for the ride!

**Author's Note:**

> I suppose you could call this a reimagining of a [previous work](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13301133) of mine, now starring Connor Murphy in the role of protagonist. 
> 
> So! Let me know your thoughts in the comments, yeah? Feel free to hit me up if you wanna talk, links on the [profile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kilala2tail/profile). Do your best to keep healthy and hydrated my dears. And always, always remember. Someone really cares about you, kid.
> 
> Until next time, good luck and happy reading.


End file.
